@_@

sometimes I feel like I have every white person problem

I want to explain everything about my life that I never got the chance to explain, or maybe just the past year of it, but, essentially, why I am where I am and dropped out of college and am now wasting the time of two extremely talented chefs because they believe I have an interest in becoming a chef one day.

I don’t really like cooking that much. The restaurant I work at gives me OD responsibility despite my consistent fucking up and blatant lack of passion.

its w/e thought because I applied to wash dishes and they hired me on my smile.

Why I am no longer in college though. I have a few excuses I use depending on who asks. Young people I tell I did too many drugs, old people I tell the school wasn’t good enough. Middle range people I tell I want to figure everything out and then go back when I know what direction I want to go in. I guess all of these are kind of true, but none of them should ever really be enough for a person to quit school are they? Originally I was only going to come home, immediately get a job for a month, then go on a bike tour and transfer into a better four-year with everything figured out, but I really should have known better and probably even did, yet chose to ignored it.

When I was in like 5th grade I was kinda chubby but I was in this performing thing with like 6 girls and one guy, and they were all hella skinny. We went on to world championships and got 8th. Being exposed to audiences and being around these kids I didn’t know at all, except like on a team that involved improv and all thi other shit I didn’t feel right about because I was shy, made me really self-conscious. I didn’t really get less fat until like 8th grade, managing to wear hoodies every fucking day for 3 years, because where I grew up the weather was always tolerable in a hoodie, interchanging pants or shorts depending on the season. In the summer of before 8th grade I started bike riding a lot and went on a 100 mile bike tour and kinda started losing weight since that I was the first real exercise I had done other than little kid sports teams. I was somewhat good during 8th grade and by the summer before high school was weirdly fat/skinny in that way kids get when they grow and stretch out of fatness. I was also most accepted by others at that time, or at least most social and spent a lot of time with my friends.

wait.. fuck this.,. I am writing poorly.

I just wanted to say what I couldn’t say to people.. about why I am not in school. I was vegan and bulimic, and pulled multiple all nighters a week. I had horrible anxiety all the time, probs because i drank too much coffee, and didn’t go anywhere without headphones. I would masturbate between classes, like 4 times a day. The highlight of my day would be after breakfast when I would take a huge shit and then vomit into the toilet(ugh sometimes it splashes onto your face.. blegh), and then I would get into the shower and throw up more, masturbating at least once.. I ended up getting a foot virus bacteria fungus thing that really hurt and looked weird and smelled like shit, probably from piss and vomit and jizz all over the floor of the shower… I clogged the shower drain in a serious way at least once. Do you know what that does to your headspace though? Vomiting that much, masturbating that much, drinking like 4 cups of coffee a day, listening to das racist/team knoc/squadda b/of non-stop? I made like one or two good friends. had sex with two girls. hooked up with five. and a guy. My life was like this downward spiral though.. starting with internet addiction. And here I am still addicted to the internet, just less bulimic. I don’t want to die man, I know u can only throw up so many times before your heart gives out or some shit.

Posted: January 1nd